The Joke's On Me

My friends and I were at The Comedy Store a few months ago and one of them said to me, "You know, may be you should try getting up there. You're funny."
Yes, I might be funny in a very non-standup comedian way. I can give you witty one-liners, sarcastic retorts which the "retorted" might not find amusing and sometimes, just sometimes, some original lines which seem so funny at the time that your cocktail might come out of your nose but then just not worth writing down.
But given all that, I do have the superpower to butcher jokes when I tell them.
There's this one joke I love, which was extremely funny when I read and also extremely funny when this guy who has the talent of remembering and delivering jokes told it.
This was my version.
Quote. Hey have you heard this joke about an Australian... no wait...English soldier who gets caught... no not caught...I think he was injured. Well, nevermind. There was this English soldier, or maybe he was a pilot, I don't exactly remember but he is injured... I think it's the World War.. but Australia was not involved in the World War... so anyway, in some war this English soldier is found injured, well not injured, he was unconcious and the Australian army... I didn't know Australia had an army. So moving on, I think this guy was found wounded and unconcious and then the next day...yeah it should be the next day... ok, so the next day he comes to conciousness and realises that he is gravely wounded...or may be he lost an arm or leg or something... and he sees the nurse and says... actually cried, "Did I come here to die." and she says, "No you came here yesterday."
Unquote.
When I was finished, there was a stretch, yawn and snicker all from different people. There might have been others who probably just killed themselves but I was not counting.

Now when I am with people who speak the way I do and when I say speak the way I do I mean in my comfortable Indian accent where I am understood no matter what I say, I am eloquent and my one line quips are instantly caught by only the intellgent of course and I get a few laughs. But now in England, if I have to be funny, I have to be funny in an accent I am not comfortable in and then I slur, mix the words up and stutter.
I was ill last week and my colleague extending sympathy to me said, "Oh poor you, I hope you're feeling better." And my response was something around me not dying but that I just had a cold. If I said that eloquently, it sure would've been funny but in between the stuttering and slurring he probably thought I was having a fit and was ready to call 999.

The only way I get around telling jokes is when everyone is pissed drunk. And since I am in the same state too, the only jokes I can remember are the knock knock jokes which I first heard in high school and haven't updated the list after.

So next time you're in a big drunken group and hear a woman tell you this disgusting knock knock joke about a mosquito and another mosquito, that would be me.