The Day I Almost Died, Slowly

I probably kill myself a little everyday by dipping my hand into that bag of chips, but today watching this movie called 'Ishk in Paris' I actually felt I was dying slowly, very slowly.

I was browsing youtube and came across Preity Zinta's new movie called 'Ishk in Paris'. There are some movies, not promoted as much, not really mainstream cinema but can be exceptionally brilliant. I thought this movie was one of those. But while watching the movie I realised why no one was talking about it. There was a risk of a pandemic death, a slow one at that. Millions of Indians would be at risk and so this movie was brushed under the carpet or to be more current sucked into the vacuum cleaner, it's bag discarded into the hazardous waste bin.
Now I love a good romantic movie, ask my husband the number of times he's caught me watching Notting Hill. And 'You've got mail', is oh so romantic. Close your mouth, don't be so shocked, I like to watch chick flicks, well not all of them, but I do watch them. 
So when I saw that Preity was starring in a movie set in Paris, which was not talked much about, I had high hopes. And then there she was, this French woman, speaking in Hindi, with an Indian accent narrating this love story. I knew I should've just shut my computer and gone back to my book just then, but hope kept me going.

The skeleton of the movie is something like this:
Boy meets girl. They don't fall in love. They spend a whole night together, totally platonic. They part ways, meet again. Then the inevitable sleeping together, which is now shown in a rather awkward manner in our Bollywood movies; the progression from rustling bushes and roses making out has been quite hard. After that the realisation of falling in love which is followed by an argument and results in one party leaving, the boy. The other party, the girl, then realises what a fool she is and chases the boy. They profess their love and get married and are all happy together.

Most Bollywood movies have worked wonders with this concoction, not this one though. The clichés were so many they should've named the movie Clichéd in Paris. Now I tried memorising a few:
Example 1 : The 'I hate goodbyes' person; This person went out of style at least two decades ago and that line should be banned in all movies all over the world.
Example 2:  The 'I never want to get married' person; yes, it's now more common for women to say this, now that we're independent, make loads of money and want to support the whole feminist movement. Also, to be on up on the guy before he crushes your ego. 
Example 3: I don't remember, please don't make me go back and watch the movie, the second time might actually kill me.

And when there were no clichés, it was the predictability. Now I like predictability when it's like a puzzle, not when it's staring you in the face.
Example 1: Boy delivers a judgemental speech berating the girl, while she's walking away. Girl turns around, walks towards him and slap! See, predictable.
Example 2: Boy and girl go into museum. Boy sees a portrait of girl's mum, tells her she should also get a portrait done by that artist. Girl storms out of museum and guess what. That portrait was painted by her father, who left them while she was little. If you watched the movie from the beginning, you would make that prediction as well.
Example 3: Wedding takes place in India. French mother all dressed in Indian attire looking very beautiful, then enter the Indian father who left when girl was little. Scene ends with a group hug and happy family picture.

I'm still not sure why I watched this whole movie, thank goodness it was only about 90 minutes long. Some of my brain cells must've involuntarily shut down because they couldn't take the torture that was this movie. And they were probably the brain cells which controlled by ability to shut down the laptop and stop the picture. 
Another revelation, Preity Zinta can be a terrible actor. How a girl who lives with her French mother, in Paris manages to speak Hindi, English and French in an Indian accent is a wonder. Like the Austrian nun turned governess speaking in a crisp British accent. Haven't people heard of Meryl Streep?
And I almost forgot, there was this dice. A dice that told you what to do in an evening. I think the sides were Party, Drink, Movie, Coffee, Sex,... don't know the 6th one. And conveniently they all turn up in sequence very nicely, not messing with current events where they'd otherwise have to drink coffee at a nightclub. Of course Sex being the elusive one doesn't show up at all, though the boy fervently hopes it does.

Allegedly, the release of this movie was delayed twice, that should've been taken as a sign to burn up the reels and pretend nothing ever happened.

So now having watched this movie, I can tell people of my near death experience, slowly.